Patni-kyu?tmhe kya lagta hai mai chai banate -2 thak gyi hu?
pati- nahi pr mai plate aur cup dhote dhote tang aa gaya hu..
Hazaro aarzu aisi ke har aarzu pe dum nikle,
Koi meri biwi se kahe ke shopping pe kam nikle.
Husband-talak lena hai,
Advocate- talak lene ke lie 50000 rs lagenge,
Husband- pagal ho kya, pandit ne to 501 rs,
me shadi karayi thi,
Advocate-dekh liya na saste ka natija.
Chai ki patti (tea)
aur pati (husband)
me kya similarity hai?
.
Dono k naseeb me jalna aur ubalna
likha ha & woh b
aurat k hathon.
Wife to her husband: I love you!
I can't live without you!
Mar Jaungi!
Mit Jaungi!
Jehar Pee Luongi!
Tere Pyaar Mein Fanna Ho Jaungi!
Husband: Dekh Le Jaise Tujhe Theek Lage!
Pati: aji suna? Videshon me talaak lena bahut hi aasan hai.
Patni : pata hai tabhi to vaha ladakiyan shadi ke samay roti nahi hain.
Patni – “Chalo ek khel khelte hain ..
mai chhupti hoon aur tum mujhe dhoondhna ..
.
.
Agar tumne dhoondh liya to mai tumhaare saath
shopping karne chaloongi .. !”
Pati – Aur agar nahi dhoondh paya toh ?
Patni – “aisa mat kaho Jaanu.. mai bas darwaje ke
peechhe hee chhupoongi.. !!!
patni(kitchen se)-aj mai bahut khubsurat lag rahi hu??
pati-tmhe kaise pata??
patni-aj mujhe dekh kr roti bhi jal rahi hai.....
Patni: Meri sharafat dekhó.......
Maine tumhe dekhe bagair shaadi karli…
Pati: Aur meri sharafat dekhó.....
Maine dekh kar bhi inkaar nahi kiya..
Hawaldaar - Inspector sahab ....me ghar ke bahar khara hu..
Yaha 1 wife ne apne husband ko goli maar di hai
Inspector- Pura waardat batoo...
Hawaldaar- Sir...aaj eski kaamwali nahi aye the...
wife ne khud se poochha lagya tha
aur
husbnad ne gile farsh pe per chhap diye...
gusse me wife ne husbnad ko goli maar di
ab mere liye kaya hukum hai??
Inspector- Bahar khara kaya kar raha ha bawkuf...
ander jaa ke wife ko Giraftaar kaar lo
Hawaldaar - par sir, farsh abhi bhi gila hai....
Patni pati se sharm nahi ati
dusre aurat ko ghoor ghoor ke dekh rahe ho
Ab tum shadisuda ho
Patni- esa kaha likha hai ki upvaas ho to kahne ka menu bhi
nahi dekh sakte?
pati- hipnotism kya hota hai?
patni-kisiko apne control mai kr k apne marji ka kaam krwana.
pati-chal jhuti!!!! use to shaadi kehte hai..
chor-tmhare pass jo kuch bhi hai fata fat de do.
admi-bhai,aisa maat karo,agar mai khali hath gaya to meri bivi mujhe khacha chaba jayegi..
chor-agar mai khali pahucha to kya meri bivi mujhe taal k khayegi....??
admi shadi kyu krta hai?
marne k baad woh swarg mai jaye to acha feel kare ,aur nark mai jaye to apne ghar jaisa feel kare....
Ek admi ki nyi nyi shadi hui,phir bhi sham mai use ghr jane ki koi jaldi nahi rehti,woh der tak office mai hi rehta tha.
boss ne pucha kya baat hai.
usne bataya ki meri bivi bhi job krti hai,aur jo ghar jaldi jata hai khana bhi usi ko banana padta hai.
3 sharabi apas mai baat kr rahe the ki kaun apni bivi kitna control mai rakhta hai..
unme se 3rd chup tha?
2no ne puch kya hua?
3rd bola kaal hi meri bivi ghutno k baal mere pass aye..
2no ne kaha shabas!!!
3rd- aur mujhe boli agar mard ho to bed k niche se niklo....
patni 1/2 hr se phone pe kisi se baat kr rahi thi,uhne call cut kr diya..
pati-aaj tmne bahut jaldi call cut kr diya..
patni-wrong no tha isliye
patni-apne pati ki kabr pe pankha kr rahi thi..
ek admi ne bola-behan ji ab ispe pankha kr k kya fayda
patni-hmare yaha ek rule hai jab tak pati ki kabr sukh nhi jati,tab tak patni ki dusri shadi nhi ho sakti...
ek admi apni patni ka antim sanskar kr k ghar aa raha tha
tahi jor se bijli kadki,badal garje or jor se barish hue
dukhi admi ne apne sath chal rhe logo se kaha-- lagta hai pahuch gaye..
Girlfriend: Es week roj shopping karenge
next week roj movie dekhenge.
Boyfriend: Uske agle week roj mandir
jayenge
Gfrnd: Q?
Bfrnd: Bhik mangne.
एक शर्मीले लड़के की शादी
एक बहुत ख़ूबसूरत लड़की से तय हुई ,
लड़का शर्म के चक्कर में लड़की से
कभी मिला नहीं था ,
लेकिन लोगों से सुना था ,
की लड़की बहुत ही ख़ूबसूरत है ,
शादी के बाद लड़के ने जैसे ही लड़की का
घूंघट उठाया वो एक घबरागया क्युकी लड़की एकदम
कटरीना कैफ सी सुन्दर थी ,
लड़का – बोलो तुम्हारी सुंदरता के लिए क्या गिफ्ट दूँ ,
लड़की (शरमाकर)- दो आपता दिल तले ,
लड़का shoked ओ तेरी तोतली
Pati patni mandir main!
Pati-tumne kya manga?
Patni-Ki aap aur main saat janam saath rahe.
Patni-Aur aapne.
Pati-Ye mera saatwa janam ho
Husband gets ready to go for yoga. Wife wakes up
Husband : Honey are you coming along with me for yoga?
Wife : What do you want to say!! I am fat?
Husband : No problem, don't come if you don't feel like!
Wife : What do you mean?? Am i lazy??
Husband : Honey .. Why are you getting angry??
Wife : That means i fight with you all the time?
Husband : When did i say that?
Wife : So it means i am lying??
Husband : Okay fine i am not going!!
Wife : I understand everything, actually you didn't want to go!!
The husband decides to remain silent and goes off to bed!
Biwi ki pray: Hey bhagwan mere pati ko tarakki de, daulat de, car de, bangla de.
Mujhe tumse kuchh nahi chahiye. Tu sab kuchh mere pati ko de.
"Us se kaise lena hai yeh mera kaam hai"
Son: "Wife, biwi, patni, shrimati, aurat, ardhangini, gharwali in sab mein kya antar hai...?"
Father: "Beta, itna mat socho museebat ek naam anek..."
Employee: Sir, meri biwi 5-6 dinon ke liye mere sath bahar jaana chahati hai, chhuti chahiye.
Boss: Nahi milegi.
Employee: Thankyou sir! Main jaanta tha museebat mein aap hi kaam aayenge.
Mahila: Pandit ji ghar ki sukh shanti ke liye kaun sa vrat rakhoon?
Pandit ji: Maun Vrat.
Sahab meri biwi gum ho gayi hai, main kya karun?
Post master: Andhe ho kya, yeh post office hai, police station ja idhar kyun aaya hai.
Pati: Maaf kariye khushi ke maare samajh nahi aa raha kidhar jaaun.
Dost aur biwi ko kabhi yaqeen dilane ki zarurat nahi hoti.
Kyun ki
.
.
.
Dost kabhi shak nahi karte aur
Biwi kabhi yakeen nahi karti.
Game Show Host: Agar aapki biwi aur saas par koi tiger hamla kar de to aap kisko pehle bachaayenge?
Pappu: Beshak tiger ko, aakhir bechare bache hi kitne hain.
How a man's situation changes:
Before marriage: Hero No. 1
After marriage: Coolie No. 1
Before marriage: I'm in love
After marriage: Why did I fall in love!
Before marriage: Jaan-e-man mat jao
After marriage: Jaan mat khao
Before marriage: Can't live without you
After marriage: Can't live with you
Before marriage: Kuchh to bolo
After marriage: Kabhi chup bhi ho lo
Before marriage: I love you
After marriage: Aaj phir aaloo
And the best one..
Before marriage: Milne kab aaogi
After marriage: Maaike kab jaaogi.
Biwi: Zara kitchen se namak lete aana.
Bechara Pati: Yahan to namak nahi mil raha hai.
Biwi : Hey Bhagwan, mere baap ko tumhare jaisa hi Soordas milna tha.
Mujhe pata tha tum to ho hi andhe
Kaamchor ho...
Nikamme ho....
Gadhe ho....
Ek kaam dhang se nahi kar sakte
Bas bahaane banaate ho
Zindagi mein kuchh to kaam karo...
Tumhein nahi milega, isiliye pehle hi le aayi thi.
Arrange marriage is...!
"While you are walking, unfortunately a snakes bites you"
But love marriage is...!
Dancing in front of cobra and singing
"Wanna be my chammak challo"
Put your wife in a room & lock it.
Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & see who is Happy to see you, and who will BITE you !
(You are advised not to try this at home as these stunts were performed by professionals; who are now!divorced; and living happily with their dog)
Don't laugh loud ----
The extended version says...
Put your husband in a room & lock it.
Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & you will be happy to see your dog waiting for you.. but you be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never slept before
Wife: Khana kha liya?
Husband: Khana kha liya?
Wife: Batao na.
Husband: Batao na.
Wife: Please... batao na.
Husband: Please..... batao na.
Wife: Achcha ji! Meri nakal?
Husband: Achcha ji! Meri nakal?
Wife: I Love U!!!
Husband: Haan yaar, khana kha liya maine...
Ek din khuda ne mujhse kaha: "Mat karintezar is janam mein uska, Milna mushkil hai.
Maine bhi keh diya: "Lene de maza intezar ka, agle janam mein to mumkin hai."
Phir khuda ne kaha: "Mat kar itna pyar bahut pachhtayega."
Muskura ke maine kaha: "Dekhte hain tu kitna mujhe tadpayega."
Phir khuda ne kaha: "Bhool ja use, Chal tujhe jannat ki apsra se milata hoon."
Maine kaha: "Aa neeche dekh mere pyar ka muskurata chehra, tujhe jannat ki apsra bhulwata hoon.
Gusse mein khuda ne kaha: "Mat bhool apni aukaat tu to ek insaan hai."
Hans kar maine kaha: "Toh mila de mujhe mere pyar se aur saabit kar ki tu hi Bhagwan hai."
Phir khuda ne guuse mein uski mujhse shadi kara di. Sab bhoot utar gaya.
Husband aur Wife mein baatcheet bandh thi
Subah husband ko jaldi jaana tha.. uss ne raat ko paper par likha
"Mujhe subah 5 baje utha dena.. urgent kaam hai..!!!"
Aur paper wife ke takiye ke paas rakh diya...
.
.
.
Subah 8 baje jab utha toh dekha uske
upar bahut saare paper pade the
aur sab par likha tha,
"uth jao 5 baj gaye",
"pls. uth jao, warna late ho jaaoge"
Moral- Wife se panga loge to yahi haal hoga..
Husband: Aaj khana tumhari maa ne banaya hai kya?
Wife: Haan..... Lekin tumhe kaise pata chala?
Husband: Roz khaane mei kaale baal nikalte the aaj safed nikle hain.
Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.
WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed..
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like you, should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you.
MEN's Depression
- Business Slow Chal raha hai..
- Payment Time pe nahin aa rahi hai..
- Telephone/Light ka bill bharna hai..
- Gharwali ko Anniversary pe Gold leke dena hai..
- Family ki baaki demands bhi poori karni hai...
WOMEN's Depression
- Tailor se dress mangwana hai..
- TV pe jo Loreal ki nayi Lipstick dikhayi hai, Aaj sham Market mein Uski enquiry karni hai..
- Kitty friends ko apni nayi Fossil watch dikhani hai..
- Mall mein 50% Off Sale lagi hui hai, shopping ko jana hai..
- Bachcho ka Open Day hai... Uffff koi dress he nahin samajh mein aa rahi hai..
- Nanad se phone pe baat karni hai..
- Tupperware wali ko aaj ghar pe bulana hai..
- Bete ki result aaya hai(46%), kaamwali bai ke liye ek kilo mix mithai mangani hai..
- Aaj na jaane Pankhudi ka kya hoga..
- Raat ko baahar se kya mangaoon khane ke liye..
- Ye mobile ki battery bhi jaldi jaldi down ho jaati hai, main kisi se zyada baat bhi nahin karti..
- Yeh Landline ka bill 2560/- kyun aaya hoga?
- Ye Deepika/Aalia/Kareena/Katrina itni over acting kyun karti hain?
- Kal mandir kya pehen ke jaoongi?
- Profile Pic. change kiye 15 minute ho gaye hain.....abhi tak ek bhi like ya comment kyun nahi aaya hai..
Every wife must read this.....
Love ur husband
When he orders you to make tea or coffee.
He wants to feel fresh
to listen your nonstop talks.....
Love him
If he looks at all the beautiful females.
he is just checking that you are still the best.
Love him
If criticise your cooking,
he is still improving his taste.....
Love him
If snores at night and disturbs your sleep.
He is trying to prove that he is the most
relaxed person after marriage with you!
Love him
If he forgets to
give you a gift on your birthday
he is saving money for your future.
Love him...
Because you don't have a choice ;-)
After 15 years of marriage the wife asked her husband to describe her.
The husband looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said ABCDEFGHIJK
"What does that mean?" She asked.
"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot" he replied.
Wife Smiling asked, "What about IJK?"
He replied: I'm Just Kidding!
Questions Women ask that Men hate
Am I fat?
Do you think she's pretty?
Will you call me?
Do you love me?
This dress or this one?
I have nothing to wear! How?
Should I sign up for this aerobics class?
Will you love me forever?
You will never leave me right?
Vidaai ke samay dulhan ke chhote bhai ne papa se poochha.
"Papa didi to ro rahi hai par jija ji nahi ro rahe hain"
Papa: "Beta didi to gate tak hi royegi par tere jija ji zindagi bhar royenge"
Aapne suna hoga Maa-Baap ke karmon ka phal unke bachchon ko bhugatana padta hai,
Lekin kabhi-kabhi Maa-Baap ke karmon ka phal unke DAMADON ko bhi bhugatana padta hai!
Laughing at your own mistakes can lengthen your life
.
BUT
.
.
.
.
Laughing at your wife's mistakes can shorten your life.
Husband: I found Aladdin's lamp today
Wife: wow, what did you ask for darling??
Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times..
Wife: oh..luv u so much.. Did he do that??
Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero...
Pehle Mai Bahut Dukhi Rehta Tha. . .
Hamesha Rota Rehta Tha. . .
Mujhse Kaam Nahi Ho Pata Tha. . .
Gharwalo Ke Taane Sun Ke Ro Diya Karta Tha. . .
Fir Maine Is Naye Product Ke Baare Me Suna,
!!!...WIFE...!!!
Ye Waakai Lajwaab Hai. . .
Ab Mein Puri Neend 2-3 Ghante Me Hi Kar Leta Hu. . .
Duniya Bhar Ke Taane Aur Galiyan Hass Hass Ke Sun Leta Hu. . .
Kitni Bhi Musibat Aaye Khush Rehta Hu. . .
Dukh Sukh Ki Tension Se Upar Uth Gaya Hu. . .
Nark - Swarg Yahin Hai Samajhta Hu. . .
Dushmano Se Pyaar Ho Gaya Hai. . .
Sach Main,
Ye ! WIFE
Waakai Asardaar Hai.
Always keep your wife's picture as mobile screensaver. Whenever you face a problem, see the picture & say. If I can handle this, I can handle anything!
Kuch Kuch hota hai: DOST SE PYAAR
Mohabattein: PRINCIPAL KI BETI SE PYAAR
Kal ho na ho: PADOSI KI BETI SE PYAAR
Kabhi khushi Kabhi gum: NAUKAR KI BETI SE PYAAR
Kabhi Alvida na Kehna: DUSARO KI BIWI SE PYAAR
Baazigar: DUSHMAN KI BETI SE PYAAR
Pardes: DOST KI MANGETAR SE PYAAR
Dil se: TERRORIST SE PYAAR
Mai Hoon na: TEACHER SE PYAAR
Chennai Express : DON KI BETI SE PYAAR..
Note - SRK teaches us how to manage risky love affairs..!!!
arre haa, risky se yaad aaya,
The most risky love is...
Rab ne bana di jodi: KHUDKI BIWI SE PYARR!!
A woman went shopping, At cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse. He couldn't control his curiosity and asked "Do u always carry ur TV remote with you?" She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today..
The story continues....
The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items that lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper what is he doing. He said your husband has blocked your credit card.
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