Funny Jokes: Find the Funniest English Jokes Here!
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Blue films are the most Positive Movies.... No Murder, No War, No Fight, No conspiracy, No Cheating... !! Lots of Love & always a very Happy Ending for all Characters!! No milna bichhadana, No rona dhona!! Good co-operation, Good co-ordination, No dramebazi, natural acting, No language problem... AND the Best part.... jahan se dekho vahin se story samajh aa jati hai... ๐๐๐๐๐
In condom company... . Salesman-Sir, PAKISTAN se 16 Inch ke condom ka order mila hai.
. . SARDAR MANAGER: "Ye saale hume depress karna chahte hai. Order taiyar karo aur uspe likh do 'MADE IN INDIA' Size:"SMALL". ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
Teacher : pappu batao., % ye sign tumne kaha dekha hai? . . . Pappu - jab ladkiya car me seat belt pahenti hai ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ Tchr - get out B***C**D๐๐
Six golden rules for f***ing:
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health but harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind and body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After f***ing don't eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. When f***ing try to stay in bed because it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level
SO REMEMBER - *FASTING* is good for your health - may the Almighty cleanse your dirty mind! ✋๐
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
A sher is getting married in jungle. There is a big bash and all animals are dancing to the tune of loud music being played. In a corner a chooha too is dancing. He is asked, "Are bhai choohe, aap kyu nach rahe ho?" "Mere chote bhai ki shadi hai....Nachunga Nahin? " "Sher kabse aapka bhai hone laga?" "Shadi se pehle main bhi sher tha!", replied chooha.
A girl was yelling in the Church after the Chapel: "Oh God! Please make Moscow the Capital of China!" The priest inquired: "Why must you pray so, my child?" Girl: "That's what I've written in my answer sheet in the examination!"
Wife - A great disaster was averted today. When my mother was passing from below the clock, it fell. Had she been late by a few seconds, the bloody thing would have fallen on her. Husband - "I know this useless clock is always slow!!"
"Do you drink?" the girl's father inquired of his prospective son-in-law." "First tell me whether it is a question or an invitation" asked son-in-law.
Man:Doctor ! My Son has swallowed a key. Doctor: When ? Man:Three Months Ago Doctor: What were you doing till now? Man: We were using duplicate key ...
Jisko koyal samja wo kauwa nikla, dost hamra hauwa nikla, jo roka krte the hame pine se,unhi ki jeb se aaj pauwa nikla. ...
Ek baar GOD ne meri Memory ko Delete kareke pucha koi Doast yaad hai ? Maine Tumhara naam liya GOD bole saala pura format mara Phir bhi VIRUS nahi gaya ...
People saying.... DARU PINE SE ZINDGI K PROBLEM SOLVE NAHI HOTE.... But I think.... WESE TO DUDH PINE SE BHI PROBLEM SOLVE NAHI HOTE... ...
kash ae khuda tumne hame kitab banaya hota, haseenae hame padte padte so jaati aur sine se lagaya hota. ...
Isn't our Principal a dummy, said a boy to a girl. Do you know who I am? asked the girl. No. I'm the principal's daughter. And do you know who I am? asked the boy. No, she replied. Thank God ...
Ek conductor ki shadi ho rahi thi, jab Dulhn phero ke waqt uske pas akar baithi to vo bola thoda pas ho k baith, ek sawari or baith sakti hai.
Bahut Kuch Ditta Eh Rabba Tu Mainu, Bass Ik Meharbani Hor Karde Ja Tah Milaade Mainu Yaar Mere Naal, Nhi Tah Botal Whisky Di Mere Moohre Dharde
Customer: Mujhe phone per dhamkiya mill rahi hai. Police: Kaun hai woh jo aapko dhamkiya de raha hai?
Customer: Telephone wale bolte hai ke, “Bill nahi bharoge toh kaat denge.”
Ek Bache Di Nani Us Nu Sula Rahi C, Te Keh Rahi C Soja Degree Soja! Tan Pdosan Ne Puchea Esnu Degree Kio Bula Rahi Hai Tan Usne Keha, Meri Kudi Chandigarh Degree Lain Gai C Aah Lai K Aa Gai…
Pappu Paperan Ch Fail Ho Gaya, Es Gall Te Baapu Ne Keha, Apne Padosh Aali Kudi Nu Dekh, Class Ch First Aayi Hai. Oh Baapu Ohnu Hi Taan Dekhta Si, Taan Hi Taan Fail Ho Gaya…
Ik Darzi Lokan De Kappde Lai Ke Faraar Ho Geya Koi Kehenda Meri Pant, Koi Kehenda Meri Shirt, Sante Ne Ronde Hoye Keha Ke Oh Mera Napa Lai Geya…
Tu sohni tera na sohni, par tu sohni ban ke na dikha saki, sohni ta kache ghadde te v tarr ke aa gi C, Te tu Three Wheeler te vi na aa saki!!!
Teacher: raju, tum kis liye college aate ho? , Student: vidya ke khaatir Teacher: toh ab so kyu rahe ho? , Student: aaj vidya nahi aayi hai sir
Doctor: is dawaa ko ek hafte main poora karo aur baad main aake milo. Patient: teek hai doctor (ek hafte ke baad) Doctor: dawaa khatam huaa kya? Patient: nahi doctor. Doctor: kyu nahi? Patient: usme likhaa thaa ke, bottle ko hamesha bandh rakhe
Boy: kal maine tumhaare ghar gaya tha. lagta hai hamaari shaadi nahi hogi. girl: kyu? pappa se mile the kya? Boy: nahi, tumhaare behan se milaa tha
Beggar: 10 rupaiya dedo saab. girlfriend ko phone karni hai. Saab ka girlfriend: dekho, bhikaari bhi apni girlfriend ko kitna pyar karta hai. Beggar: nahi memsaab, use pyar karne ke baad hee main bhikaari ban gayaa
Pati: mere marne ke baad, kyaa tum doosri shaadi karogi? Patni: nahi. main apni behan ki saath rahungi. aap? Pati: main bhi tumhaare behan ke saath rahunga
Arz Karda Haan, Ohna Di Gali To Gujre Taan Ohna Da Chobara Nazar Aaya,
Wah Ji Wah…
Ohda Baapu Bahar Aa Ke Boleya, Hath Pair Tod Devanga, Je Fer Nazar Aaya…
Teacher: OXFORD matlab kya hai? Student: OX matlab bail, FORD matlab Gaadi. to OXFORD matlab bail gaadi
Patient: Doctor, yeh mera pehla operation hai. thoda dhyaan se karna. Doctor: dara mat. yeh mera bhi pehla operation hai
๐ฃChicken Story๐ฃ ABSOLUTE PROFESSIONAL (Mind blowing climax):
A farmer owns 25 young hens ๐ค and one old cock ... As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock ๐ from the market...
Old cock to Young cock ๐:
Old cock: Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity...
๐Young cock: What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old & should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?
๐Young cock: No!! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition & if I win you shall allow me to have one hen & if I lose you will have all.
๐Young cock: OKKK.. What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meters run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
๐Young cock: No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
In the morning the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off & when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases ๐ him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock's back ๐in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly..."BANG"๐ฅ!!!
Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer ... who cursed,
: "Hell"
This is the 5th GAY cock I've bought this week." ??
Moral: beware of senior experience in corporate politics !!!!!๐๐
Matrimonial Advt in Delhi....
26 year old educated boy with odd numbered vehicle looking for beautiful girl with even numbered vehicle.... Suitable candidates please reply with picture of vehicle and registration certificate...
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
Height of gettting lucky:
My neighbor's wife texted me, 'I am new on whatsapp.. Any idea what does IDK, LY, TTYL mean...?
I replied : 'I don't know, Love You, Talk To You Later !
She replied : ' No problem. Pls tell me later... Love you too... ๐๐ ๐๐๐.
AAJ KI BAHU KA NAARA :- Mera Bachcha Saas Sambhalay .... Saas Ka Bachcha Main Sambhal Lungi .... ๐๐๐
Ek aadmi ne 98.3 FM Radio pe phone kiya Man : Mujhe S.V. Road pe ek Purse mila hai jisme 15000 cash,ek iphone 6+,ek Credit Card aur kisi Pallavi Mishra ke naam ka ID mila hai. Radio Jockey : Wah... Aap kitne imaandaar hain... toh aap unhe wo purse waapis karna chahenge, Right ?? Man : Nahi!! ......Main chahta hu ki Pallavi Mishra ke liye ek Dard bhara SONG ho jaaye...
After long chatting ... She : Now, I have to tell you "I have BF". :: :: He : Are pagli, Tu to mere type ki nikli .. ... Mere pas bhi 80GB full hai BF se.... saari ki saari HD me...Chal Exchange karte hain... *blocked* Samajdar thoko likes
Ek Engineer ko Job nahi mili to usne ek clinic khola or likha 300 Rs. me elaaj karvaye elaaj nahi hua to 1000 Rs. wapas . . . Ek Doctor ne socha 1000 Rs. kamane ka bahut accha mauka hai wo clinic me gaya or bola Doctor : Mujhe kisi bhi chiz ka swad nahi aata Engineer : box no. 22 me se dawai nikalo or 3 bund pilado ( Nurs ne piladi ) Doctor : ye to petrol hai Engineer : Mubarak ho aapko swad aa gaya laao 300 Rs. . . . Doctor ko gussa aa gaya kuch din baad wapas gaya purane paise wasulne Doctor : Meri yaad-daast kamzor ho gayi hai Engineer Nurs se : boox no. 22 me se dawai nikalo or 3 bund pilao Doctor : lekin wo dawai to zuban ke taste ke liye hai Engineer : Ye lo tumhari yaad-daast wapas aa gayi laao 300 Rs. . . . Kuch din baad Doctor gusse me gaya Doctor : Meri nazar kamzor ho gayi hai Engineer : Iski dawai mere pass nahi hai Ye lo 1000 Rs. Doctor : Lekin ye to 500 kaa note hai Engineer : Aa gayi nazar Laa 300 Rs. Engineer rockz always....
That awkward moment... Jab main kisi unknown larki se frndship krta hun... aur . . . . . . . . aur kuch dino baad dekhta hu k hamare bich 10 mutual frnd ho gaya hai.... aur kamine sab mere dost hain
Hostel Story Things you say jab koi bahar ja rha ho 1> Bhai Paise le ja recharge karva diyo 2> Bhai ATM se paise nikalwa diyo 3> Bhai Please kuch khane ko le aayio & The answer you get "Saale naukar hu tera?, Chal saath mein"
Why do we say - Pyaar Mein Gir Gya (fall in love)? . . Because if we say "Pyaar Mein Khada Ho Gya" toh double- meaning ho Jayega!
Differnce between Love N friend Love : Jaan , please drive safely n slowly. . . . . . . . Friend :: bhaggaa saale bhagaa , aage Innova me ek number Item baithi hai.
Harami ladka church mai confess karne ko gaya... Ladka- father mujhe confess karna hai.. Father- bolo son.. Ladka- mai ek shaadi shuda aurat ko kiss kiya.. Father- son is type ki confession aksar log mere paas karne ate hain... Father- achha batao son kya vo Gary appartment ki suzy thi.. Ladka- no father.. Father- kya vo Palm appt ki Mary thi.. Ladka- no father.. Father- kya vo Vila building ki Soniya thi.. Ladka ek dum se bhag kar church ke bahar chala gaya.. Church ke bahar khade uske dost ne poocha..confess kiya kya tune.. Ladka- nahi confess to nahi kiya lekin 3 solid jugaad ka pata chal gaya.. Men will be Men...
BF txt to his GF on watsApp... . BF- Hi . GF - Hello . BF - Kahan pr ho? . GF - Main apne papa ki BMW me club ja rhi hu, abhi driver mujhe club chor dega, uske baad mall mey shopping k liye jaungi, tab tumhe call krti hu, Tum kahan pr ho? . BF - 401 no ki bus me, TUMHARI SEAT K PICHE, TUM TICKET MAT LENA MaiNE LE LI HAI .. !!
Afridi : Rohit ke 100 nahi hone denge
Misbah : Magar kaise??
Afridi : Hum 90 ke andar hi allout ho jayenge
Misbah : Insallah
How to know if you have achieved Inner Peace? STEP 1: Sit in front of a computer which has a 128Mb Ram and a very low processor speed. STEP 2: Use a BSNL broadband Connection. STEP 3: Open Browser to book a ticket on IRCTC for Tatkal. If you can do that without abusing anyone. You've achieved Inner Peace!
One interesting word in English.
Oxymoron:
An Oxymoron is defined as a phrase in which two words of opposite meanings are brought together....
Here are some funny oxymorons :
1) Clearly Misunderstood 2) Exact Estimate 3) Small Crowd 4) Act Naturally 5) Found Missing 6) Fully Empty 7) Pretty Ugly 8) Seriously Funny 9) Only Choice 10) Original Copies 11) Open Secret 12) Tragic Comedy 13) Foolish Wisdom 14) Liquid Gas
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