Sir whether you lower the train fair or not, please increase the length of chain of the bathroom mug... It doesn't reach where it is supposed to...!!! ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
Died laughing. ๐๐
A parrot swallows a viagra tablet ๐.
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later, when the owner opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.
"How come you are sweating?"
The parrot replies - 'You have no idea how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken!!
๐๐๐๐!
Yeh wala killer hai. 80 yrs k bujurg ko Rape ki saja mili.. Jailor:- Baba is umar me ye kaise kiya..?? Bujurg:- Kiya to humne kuch bhii nahi beta.. Par Ilzaam itna "Mardana" Tha ki hum inkar nahi kar paye..!! ๐ฌ๐ฌ๐๐๐๐
My boss installed WhatsApp and texted me "oye jokes bhej"
I replied "sir pehle ye batao mera increment kab hoga" ??
Boss replied : "Mast tha !! aur bhej" ...๐๐๐
Terrible English by PT sir of a school in village: 1) There is no wind in the football.. ๐ 2) I talk, he talk, why you middle talk? . ๐ 3) You rotate the ground 4 times.. ๐๐ 4) You go and understand the tree. 5) I'll give you clap on ur cheeks.. ๐ 6) Bring your parents and your mother and especially your father. ๐ 7) Close the window airforce is coming. 8) I have two daughters and both are girls.. 9) Stand in a straight circle.. 10) Don't stand in front of my back 11) Why Haircut not cut..? ๐ 12) Don't make noise.. principle is rotating in the corridor 13) Why are you looking at the monkey outside the window when I’m here? ๐ 14) You talking bad habit ๐ 15) Give me a red pen of any colour. 16) Can i have some snow in my cold drink? ๐ 17) Pick the paper and fall into the dustbin. 18) Both of u stand together separately. 19) Keep quiet the principal just passed away!!๐๐ Don't laugh alone pass it....
Dying husband asks his wife: Our 7th son ๐ฆalways looked different from the other 6, ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฆ did he have a different father?"
Wife (crying): Yes!
Husband: Who?
Wife: You!
Husband :๐ณ๐ณ๐ณ Died!!!
๐๐๐๐๐ณ๐
Once IT Engineer was travelling by train in A/c class. He was traveling from Konkan to Pune!
He was traveling alone!
Some time later, a Beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite berth!
IT Engineer was pleasantly Happy!
The lady kept smiling at him! This made IT Engineer even more Happy!
Then she went and sat next to him!
IT Engineer was bubbling with Joy!
She then leant towards him and whispered in his ear " Hand over all your valuables, cash, cards, mobile phone to me else I will shout and tell everybody that you are harassing and misbehaving with me"
IT Engineer stared blankly at her!
He took out a paper and a pen from his bag and wrote " I can not hear or speak. You write on this paper whatever you want to say"
The lady wrote everything what she said earlier and gave it to him!
IT Engineer took her note, kept it in his pocket!
He got up and told her in clear tones..."Now shout & scream!!"
MORAL OF THE STORY : DOCUMENTATION IS VERY IMPORTANT
๐๐๐
Technology problem- Wife to husband - where were you on Tuesday night? Hus- ohh, there was a urgent work i was asked to finish, so had to stay back in office Wife - Really? Then why your fitband shows you burned 100 calories and your heart rate was way more than normal at 1:30 am?๐ณ๐๐๐
Silence.....๐๐๐
This is ultimate...๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
Wife (asking in a loving tone): "Honey, Will you build 'Taj Mahal' for me."?
Husband: "I have already purchased the land. The delay is from your side only...!!!"
๐๐๐๐
Wife's are of two types:
The first type listens to her husband, understands his thoughts, always behaving lovingly, and even if the husband is angry, keeps smiling.๐
. The second type... . . . . . ..is the one that everyone has๐
Boss hired a sexy secretary; 10 days later he committed suicide by jumping from his 27th floor office…….
Police: Who was there at that time in the room? Secretary: I was there. Police: What happened? Why did he commit suicide? Secretary: He was a good man. One day he bought me a fur coat for $20,000 then he bought me a diamond necklace for $150,000 then he bought me a diamond ring for $50,000. Today he asked me to spend the night with him. I told him I charge $100 a night....and he just went to the window and jumped!
Moral: Investments are subject to market risk, check the market rate before investing...๐๐
An engineer said:
When I was young I decided to go to medical school. At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the alphabets
P N E I S
and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when straight.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are Engineers... ๐๐๐
Man In Bar Orders Kingfisher Beer..
Lady Next To Him- What A Co-incidence, Even I Have Ordered Kingfisher..๐บ
Man - I'm Celebrating.
Lady - Me too.
Man - What A Coincidence. Why are you Celebrating?
Lady - My Husband & I Have Tried 4 Years For A Baby.. Today I'm Pregnant.
Man - What A Coincidence! I Am A Farmer For 4 Yrs My Hens couldn't lay any eggs Today All are Laying Eggs
Lady - Wow! How Did That Happen?
Man - I Used A Different Cock ๐
Lady Smiled & Said WHAT A COINCIDENCE!
Meanwhile at the Hyundai Showroom
Salesman : Sir, yeh dekhiye Hyundai Verna.
Sardar: Verna kya Bho***ke!
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
A father buys a lie detector robot that slapped people when they lied.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching "dirty stuff"."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what "dirty stuff" was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"after all, he is your son."
The robot slaps the mother. Robot is now for sale.
๐๐๐๐๐
Ram laal - Thakur saheb gabbar ne bahurani ki izzat loot li hai , Thakur - to Ram laal - nahi to vo bahurani puch rahi hai ki gabbar se badla Lena hai ya Payment
Dear Friends,
Please do not send me messages related to independence.
I am married...
It hurts ๐๐๐
Just innocence........
5 year old son.....after reading story of a king.....
Son:......Mom, I also want 3 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......
Mom:....And one will put you to sleep
Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you....Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son
Mom:...but who will sleep with your 3 wives
Son:....Let them sleep with daddy...
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son ! ๐๐
Sorry for this but couldn't stop laughing........ Received a call from a recruitment consultant. She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you...!
I replied : Yes. I know ๐
There was a long silence and then she said:- asshole
I replied:- I prefer the other one ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
3 persons died and went to heaven. They were asked the reason of death. 1st - I died due to accident 2nd - I committed suicide 3rd - I was always in doubt of my wife's character. Once I went to home from office in an odd time to check if anyone is in my house. I searched everywhere but didn't find anyone. I felt guilty and then committed suicide.
Then 2nd one asks 3rd one his address. After he said, 2nd replies that 'if you would have searched the locked fridge, we wouldn't be dead ....๐๐๐
Punctuality Explained
Lady: How does your husband come home on time, regularly? Wife: I have made a simple rule; Romance will start sharp at 9 p.m.....with you or without you ๐๐๐☺๐๐ข๐๐๐
๐๐๐ An engineer, A doctor and an advocate went to Bangkok for fun trip.
To save the money they hired only one ๐ thai babe.
When asked for her rate, she said she would charge each of them as per their dick length in inches. Dick length x 1000 bahts.
At first.......The doctor went with her. When he came back, other two asked him how much he paid.
"6000 bahts" Doc said.
Then it was a lawyer......
" How much...???? " " 8000 Bahts...." lawyer said with his head high.
Then went the Engineer. " How much you paid....??????? " The Doc and The lawyer asked anxiously. ๐ณ๐ณ
" 3000......."
" Oh........ You have such a small thing....... Feel Sorry for you..." Doc and lawyer said, keeping their joy in minds.
Harbhajan Singh married Geeta Basra on October 29th 2015. Geeta Basra gave birth to a baby girl on July 28th 2016. This is called 100 percent strike rate.. ๐๐๐๐
This is superb:
A boy was spinning a 2 rupee coin in the air and catching it between his teeth in a shop while father was shopping. Accidentally it goes straight into his throat. He starts choking and his dad panicked and shouts for help. A middle-aged, man in a gray suit came to the boy & carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes, gently but very firmly. Imdtly the boy coughs up the coin.
As soon as the dad makes sure that his son is OK, he starts thanking him saying, "I've never seen anybody doing anything like that before & it's fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"Oh, no," the man replies, "I am Arun Jaitley , the Finance Minister of India .". ๐
An article from readers digest
Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking 2 my wife about life.. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I told her : 'Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the connections that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die.'
My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me proceeded to disconnect the Cable tv, DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, Gin, Vodka the Beer from the fridge...
I ALMOST DIED!!
Moral : Think before you speak. The female brain works on a different wavelength!
A tall sexy blonde entered a Bar and sat next to a broad-shouldered handsome man. Having downed a few drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked straight into his eyes, and said : “Listen buddy, I am always ready to get screwed by anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, 24/7.!! So, how about that? Eh..??"
The man. bewildered, “No kidding ? I'm in IT too! Which company are you with?”๐๐๐๐
40+ is Very Confusing Age For Guys.. . . . . . .
Ab Ladki Bhi Pasand Aati Hai Aur Uski Maa Bhi.๐
Men Will Be Men Always
On wife's birthday , man ordered a cake on the phone. Salesman: What message to put on the cake? Man: Write "Getting older but You are getting better." Salesman: Kaise likhna hai message ? Man: Well.. put "You are getting older" at the top and "but You are getting better" at the bottom. When the cake was opened all guests died laughing at the message ๐๐๐๐. It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom!"๐๐๐๐
Moral:- Don't order cakes over phone..๐๐๐๐
Dosto mere ek dost ka status hai.
Mai chunotiyo se nahi chutiyo se pareshan hu.
Meri hasi hi nahi ruk rahi h bhai.๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man. She then heard her husband coming.. She told her lover to stay like robot and not to move.
Husband: What is this?
Wife: This is a robot I bought to have sex with when you are traveling...
Husband: Okay.. Lets have sex now...
Wife: No sweetheart.. Yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you..
After she left the husband said: Damn I am so horny, I will f*ck this robot...
He tried f*cking. The man started talking in a metallic robotic way..
"System error Wrong hole System error Wrong hole.."
Husband: Damn robot is not working properly.. I am throwing it out of the window..
The lover realized that he was on the 20th floor he said:
"SOFTWARE UPDATED" "PLEASE TRY AGAIN"
J๐KES: This is especially for people who type Hindi in English & the one reading it is sooooo confused. It's wonderful....
Ultimate Confusion:
Boy: Main tumse shaadi nahi kar sakta hoon. . She texted back: . . "Toh fir chod de naa mujhe aaj hee "
MOM: Your dad is in Dubai. Once he returns, will think about it.
KID : Let give dad a surprise
MOM : oh No...!!! Keep quiet. You are already a surprise to dad. Not one more ๐๐๐๐
Apple iPhone 7 in India Expected price Rs. 75k
Other option Bangkok return ticket: 23k Stay:10k Massage:3K Shopping: 14k Savings: 25k Come back to India and buy a Xiaomi, Moto G, Samsung, Asus Zenfone, Lenovo, Micromax, Sony C, One Plus.... You still have 5k left for 2 bottles of Jack Daniels at Mumbai Duty Free.
Doctor : Your Liver is enlarged
Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whisky ?
(This is called "Positive Thinking" ๐๐)
Lady to her dietician :- What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.
Doc :- How come???
Lady :- According to my weight, my height should be 7.8 feet... ๐
(Now this is called "Positive Attitude" ๐)
A Man wrote to the bank. "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank".
(This is self confidence in its peak ๐๐)
This one is classic !!
A cockroach's last words to a man who wanted to kill it : "Go ahead and kill me, you coward. You're just jealous because I can scare your wife and you cannot..!!!!" ๐ ๐ ๐
Ambulance service? It's urgent please.
What happened, Madam?
Coffee fell on my saree while drinking.
Are you really looking for an ambulance for this madam?
Begum:- Arey, har cheez to "Amma Jaan" ki dukan se hi to mangate ho aap!
Hubby:- Aiyoo teri maaki kirkiri, wo Amma Jaan nahi "Amazon" hai re howlii . ๐ก๐ก๐ก
Meanwhile in a queue at ATM she looked in his eyes.
She: I don't have a boyfriend.
He: Tu kuch bhi Kar le bahen,
line me agge nahi Jane dunga. ๐๐
Now Parents are confused about future of their kids...
Whether to send Kids to sell Tea and
become like Modi...
Or
Send them to IIT and become like Kejriwal...
Or
Go Abroad and do nothing to become like Rahul Gandhi..
!!! Hard Decision !!!
Or
Send him to Haridwar to get holy enlightenment and become someone like Ramdev Baba or spiritual Baba having annual income over Crores
OR
Send him to JNU to become * KANHAIYA*
OR
leave him for getting result of ...... just 9th fail and become deputy CM like Tejaswi Yadav
OR
Go sell alcohol & take a loan like Malya and fly to London
Very very confusing & Tough decision...... ๐๐๐ ๐๐..................
The Prime Minister said, "Go Cashless"...... . . . . . . . . Only ATM's have taken it seriously. ๐๐๐ฌ๐
Unlimited Bezzati … ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
Garmi mein bus top par 25-30 log Bus ka intezar kar rahe the
Ek bhikhari aaya aur sabe se 1 - 1 rupaya lekar Auto mein baith kar chala gaya
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
Reporter :- Sir, what's your opinion on demonetisation ?
Laloo Prasad Yadav :- mushkil se intolerance bolna sikha tha, ab demonetisation kab sikhu...!! ๐
DISCUSS :-Subject: WIFE
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. ~By Lee Majors
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. ~By Al Gore
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~By Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them. ~By Mike Tyson
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? ~By George Clooney
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. ~By Bill Clinton
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays." ~By George W. Bush
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." ~By Rudy Giuliani
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." ~By Michael Jordan
"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children! ~By Donald Trump
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. ~By Shaquille O’Neal
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... ~By Kobe Bryant
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. ~By David Hasselhoff
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. ~By Alec Baldwin
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. ~By Barack Obama
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. ~By Tommy Lee
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." ~By Brad Pitt
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive." ~ By Jimmy Kimmel
“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!” ~By David Letterman
“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes SuffeRing! ~By Jay Leno
"The reason why wives live longer is because they don't have a Wife" ~By Brandon Breezy
Forward this to all the guys to give them a good laugh .......and to the ladies with good sense of humour who can handle it!!!!!!!๐๐๐
Now Parents are confused about future of their kids...
Whether to send Kids to sell Tea and
become like Modi...
Or
Send them to IIT and become like Kejriwal...
Or
Go Abroad and do nothing to become like Rahul Gandhi..
!!! Hard Decision !!!
Or
Send him to Haridwar to get holy enlightenment and become someone like Ramdev Baba or spiritual Baba having annual income over Crores
OR
Send him to JNU to become * KANHAIYA*
OR
leave him for getting result of ...... just 9th fail and become deputy CM like Tejaswi Yadav
OR
Go sell alcohol & take a loan like Malya and fly to London
Very very confusing & Tough decision...... ๐๐๐ ๐๐..................
Just told my maid that I will transfer her salary online. She said she will work from home. ๐ญ
A TCS couple went to a Sex Therapist office at a BIG Corporate Hospital.
The doctor asked,"What can I do for you?"
The man said,"Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said,"There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,"and charged them Rs.1300.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked,"exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, ."We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house I'm married and we can't go to my house.
A boy was spinning a 2 rupee coin in the air and catching it between his teeth in a shop while father was shopping. Accidentally it goes straight into his throat. He starts choking and his dad panicked and shouts for help. A middle-aged, man in a gray suit came to the boy & carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes, gently but very firmly. Imdtly the boy coughs up the coin.
As soon as the dad makes sure that his son is OK, he starts thanking him saying, "I've never seen anybody doing anything like that before & it's fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"Oh, no," the man replies, "I am Arun Jaitley , the Finance Minister of India .". ๐
Meanwhile Nigerians are complaining
*That they are getting emails from India stating you have won a one crore lottery.*
๐๐๐๐๐ค๐ค
Converting challenges into opportunity !
ATM Queue ๐ซ๐๐
She : Hi, Can you withdraw 2500₹ for me. The queue is too long.
Guy : Don't worry, We can withdraw 2.5 Lakhs if we both get married.
๐๐๐
A married couple was walking through a garden, suddenly a dog ran towards them.
They both knew it will bite them..
The husband lifted his wife and let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart
The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little while and ran away.
The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . But his wife shouted "I have seen people throwing stones and sticks at dogs, this is the first time I am seeing someone trying to throw his wife at a dog"!!
Husband... "๐ฑ๐ฑ๐ฑ๐ฑ"
Moral : A Wife is a Wife
No One ELSE Can MIS-UNDERSTAND a Husband Better, than a Wife.
เค เคเคฐ เคเคช english เคชเคขเคจा เคाเคจเคคे เคนै เคคो เคเคธे เคซเคाเคซเค เคชเคข เคे เคฆिเคाเค My A my They my A my they my They they my A my They they a my A my they they my . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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