Year 2035 : Child - Papa, aap mummy se kaise mile ? Pappa: Beta, undino ATM ki line mein khade the....5-6 ghante baatein hui aur pyaar hogaya...๐๐
aur pucho Achche din kab ayenge. kala dhan videsho se kab account mein ayega. puch puch kar Ata majha satkli kur diya. Sub ko ab line mein kadha kur diya. ๐๐๐๐
Gandhari: I sent my 100 sons to stand in ATM queue and got 2,00,000 based on per person limit ๐ Kunti: That's nothing, with my Pandavs, I Withdrew Rs 12.5 lakh for Draupadi's wedding based on Rs 2.5 lakh per wedding limit ๐๐
When you win, You have to explain people what made you win.. But When you lose, No one stays with you to listen why you could not win... Strange but that's life... ๐นGood Morning๐น
๐ฅSpiritual Quote of the Day.๐ฅ
Its better to sit in a bar thinking about God than to sit in a temple thinking about Whisky.
.๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, who could not only serve drinks efficiently but also converse with the customers intelligently on a variety of topics.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "160."
Robot said: hmm, Scientist?
Man replied: Yup, "Astrophysicist"
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about the Grand Unified Theory of Universe of Stephen Hawking while serving him drinks.
The man listened intently and exclaimed, "This is absolutely great"
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "120."
Robot said: Professor?
Man said: "Thinker"
So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding various Religions and faiths.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is fantastic."
A third guy came in to the bar. He was a white looking Indian. As with the others, the robot asked him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "15"
The robot paused for a while and then said, "So, how are things in Amethi these days?"๐
Unlimited Bezzati … ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
Garmi mein bus top par 25-30 log Bus ka intezar kar rahe the
Ek bhikhari aaya aur sabe se 1 - 1 rupaya lekar Auto mein baith kar chala gaya
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, the father woke up his son. Father- Look up to the sky and tell me what you see. Son- I see millions of stars. Father- And what does that tell you? Son- Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets. Father slaps the son hard and says- "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent"
MORAL: Too much education can spoil our common sense. ๐๐
Don't Laugh Alone Share it ๐
Sooooooper (๐จ) Husband : (calls up Hotel Manager from room) Please come fast, I am having an argument with my wife & she says she will jump from your hotel window.
(๐) Manager : Sir, I am sorry, but this is your personal Issue. (๐จ) Husband : Abey Saale ! The window is not opening. This is a maintenance issue ..๐๐๐
HR addressing employees-
HR Head: This year too, due to demonetization, increments will be as per the Bell Curve ๐
Employee: what is that ?
HR Head: Let me put it in Hindi..
"Ghanta milega"..!!!!! ๐๐๐๐๐๐
A Real Man is one who takes Success and Failure in equal measure... .
. . 60 ml, to be precise...!
Police : where do you live?? Me : with my parent's. Police : where does your parents live?? Me : with me. Police : where do you all live?? Me : Together Police : where is your house?? Me : Next to my neighbours house?? Police : where's your neighbours house?? Me : if i tell you, would you believe me?? Police : Tell. Me : Next to my house ๐๐
The Japanese are obsessed with quality and safety.
A safety warning notice in a factory in Japan for female workers reads :
If your Skirt is long, stay away from the Engines and If it is short........stay away from the Engineers......!
๐
Before marriage : Come here, Babe. After marriage : Idhar aa be.
Pati aur patni ghumne gaye. Raaste me ek gadhe ko ghaas kata dekh patni ne pati se kaha – Oo G tumhara rishtedaar ghaas kha raha hai, namaste karo. Pati – Namaste Sasur Ji
Girl-to-Boy – Aaye bewafe tune sab kuch saaf kar diya, mera dil jala kar rakh kar diya Boy-to-Girl – Aye ladki, teri kurbani bekar nahi jayegi, bhej de rakh mujhe, bartan manjne ke kaam aayegi.
Son(On Phone) : Maa! aaj hum 2 se 3 ho gaye. Mother : Sabbash Beta! Ladka hua ya ladki. Son : Nahi maa! tumhari bahu ne dusri shaadi kar li.
Santa: I have heard recently that Mr. Rajan has reduced Repo Rate by 50 basis points and everyone is saying that this is good for the market. Loan EMI may also come down. What is this rate cut means actually? I want to understand this.
Banta: To understand this you first need to know, how does a bank function.
Santa: Why?
Banta: Because all these are inter-related. Tell me – what does a bank do?
Santa: Bank takes money from depositors and gives loan to earn interest. That way they keep everyone happy and make a profit also.
Banta: Correct, but there are more to it. Let me explain this in a very simplistic way. Bank needs money. Bank can get money from depositors like you and me and also from RBI. But bank also needs to pay certain interest to us and also to RBI.
Santa: Ok.
Banta: Let us try to understand first – what happens when we deposit, say, Rs. 100 with a bank.
Santa: I know that. Bank gives that Rs. 100 to someone who needs a loan.
Banta: No, it is not that simple. Remember, though bank can earn interest by giving away loans, but it is also very risky. There are many cases of loan defaults. This way banks can put all our money into high risk areas. It has to be protected.
Santa: How?
Banta: Ok, RBI has made it mandatory that upon receiving, say, Rs. 100 – banks first have to deposit Rs. 4 with RBI. RBI keeps this Rs. 4 in its current a/c and hence banks do not receive any interest on this money. This is known as Cash Reserve Ratio or CRR, which is currently at 4%.
Santa: Hmmm, then?
Banta: RBI has also made it mandatory that upon receiving, say, Rs. 100 – banks need to compulsorily buy central and state govt. securities of Rs. 21.50. Of course banks will earn some interest income here. This is known as Statutory Liquidity Ratio (SLR), which is currently at 21.50%.
Santa: Ok, so you mean to say that upon receiving Rs. 100, banks can spend only Rs. 74.50 at its own will.
Santa: But you were saying that banks can also borrow from RBI. What interest banks pay to RBI?
Banta: Before 30th September, banks were paying 8.25% interest to RBI when it borrows money from RBI. Now this rate has been reduced by 50 basis points. So banks now need to pay interest to RBI, if it borrows from RBI, at the rate of 7.75%. This is known as Repo Rate.
Santa: Can fixed deposit rate be affected by reduction of Repo Rate?
Banta: Of course. If banks get money from RBI @7.75%, why will banks pay higher interest to you and me? One year FD rate is already revised by many banks and it is equal to or very close to 7.75%.
Santa: But as now banks are getting money at a cheaper rate, then they should reduce the loan interest rate i.e. passing on the benefits it receives.
Banta: Correct. They should. And on that hope market is cheering. If companies get loan at a cheaper rate, they will likely to expand their businesses. That will create more jobs, more income and boost the economy.
Santa: How is inflation linked to this?
Banta: See, when loan becomes cheaper, people tends to borrow more. That means people will have more money to spend. This will increase the demand for goods, and if supply does not increase to match this demand, then prices will increase.
Santa: So there is a chance, that inflation may rise also?
Banta: Well, yes. But inflation depends on many other factors as well, like production (industrial and agricultural), manufacturing, export – import, foreign currency movement etc. So inflation may increase or may not.
Santa: One last question. Like we deposit our money with banks, can banks also deposit their money with someone?
Banta: Yes, they can deposit with RBI and earn interest too. This interest is typically 1% less than the repo rate. This rate is known as Reverse Repo Rate.
Santa: Great! So now I understand CRR, SLR, Repo Rate, Reverse Repo Rate and their impact on deposit rate, loan interest rate and on inflation. Thanks.
Banta: Welcome! Every time don't expect joke from Santa n banta....they r intelligent too ๐
Don't know who wrote this.. Hats off to him
Man O Man! When without money, eats vegetables at home; When has money, eats the same vegetables in a fine restaurant. . When without money, rides bicycle; When has money rides the same ‘exercise machine’. . When without money walks to earn food When has money, walks to burn fat;
Man O Man! Never fails to deceive thyself! . When without money, wishes to get married; When has money, wishes to get divorced. . When without money, wife becomes secretary; When has money, secretary becomes wife. . When without money, acts like a rich man; When has money acts like a poor man. Man O Man! Never can tell the simple truth! . Says share market is bad, but keeps speculating; Says money is evil, but keeps accumulating. . Says high Positions are lonely, but keeps wanting them. . Says gambling & drinking is bad, but keeps indulging;
Man O Man! Never means what he says and never can tell the simple truth
"I failed in 8th standard" -Sachin Tendulkar
"During my secondary school, I was dropped from school basketball team" -MichelI Jordan
"I was rejected for the job in All India Radio bcoz of my heavy voice" - Amitabh Bacchan
"I used to work in petrol Bunks" - Dhirubhai Ambani
"I was rejected in the interview of Pilot" - Abdul Kalam
"I didn't even complete my university education" - Bill Gates
"I was a dyslexic kid" -tom cruise
Think about It.. Make a change. Coz u can .... Six Easy ways to earn, even after death.
1) Give a smile or gift to someone. Each time u gift or smile, it will make someone's day.....u gain.
2) Donate a wheelchair to a hospital. Each time sick person uses it, u gain.
3) Participate in building an orphanage, hospital, school or college. Anybody uses it, u gain.
4) Place a water cooler in a public place. Anybody drinks water, u gain.
5) Plant a tree. Whenever a person, animal sits in its shade or eats from it, u gain.
6) And the easiest of all is to Share this message with people. Even if 1 applies any of the above, u gain.
I just did.✌๐๐๐๐
INSPIRATION.....
As we get older, we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.
Harold Schlumberg is one such a person:
Harold Says: "I have often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'"
"Well, I am fortunate to have a Chemical Engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most, is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine. It is rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."
Harold is an inspiration to many of us... ๐๐
>> Little Johnny is standing on a street corner swatting mosquitoes. >> >> Every time he sees a mosquito he utters, "fucking mosquitoes, fucking mosquitoes." >> >> Just as the boy says it, a shocked priest walks up and says, "You should not curse the mosquitoes, because every one of God's creations has a purpose." >> >> Little Johnny, unmoved by the priest's objection, says, "Bullshit!" >> >> "Well, tell me three things on this earth that God has made without a cause" says the priest. >> >> Little Johnny looks at him and replies, “Tits on a nun, Balls on a priest, and these fucking mosquitoes."
Guy : Doctor, my gf is pregnant but I always use protection! How come its possible? Doctor : Let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carries a gun wherever he goes. One day, he took his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun and shot the lion. The lion died! Boy : Nonsense!! Someone else must've shot the lion. Doctor : Glad you understood the story!!๐๐๐๐๐๐
Its not Important in life that who is "AHEAD" of us Or who is "BEHIND" us. What truly matters in life is who is "WITH" us.
๐ดLife gives two gifts. 1st is "Chance" & 2nd is "Choice". Chance to meet many people in life & Choice to select the Best ones for life.
NDTV's Sonia Sharma Singh becomes 2nd wife of Congress Leader & Ex Minister R N A Singh
NDTV's Amruta Rai (44 years) traps Digvijay Singh (68 years) and becomes his 2nd wife
NDTV's Nidhi Razdan's illicit relationship with J&K's Ex CM - Omar Abdulla
NDTV is a news channel?? Or Shaadi.com ??
Don't you know the full form of NDTV? ๐ "Nai Dulhan Tere Vaste" ๐
Medical College Professor to a girl student : "Which human body part expands 5 times its normal size...?"
Girl Student : "Sir I can't answer this question, it's too embarrassing...
Professor asked the same question to a male student.
Male Student : "It's the Pupil of an human eye..."
Professor : "Correct."
Then Professor turned to the female student and said : "Listen lady, Not only your thinking is wrong but your expectations are also very high...
5 times is too much"
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
After operation, a girl to Dr: How soon can I resume my sex life?
Dr: You are the first patient to ask this question after tonsil operation!!๐ฌ๐
Dad watching Ftv, son came.
Dad said diplomatically, Gareeb ladkiyan hai, kapde ke liye bhi paise nhi hai!
Son said, Isse bhi gareeb chahiye to cd hai mere paas.
๐๐๐
kid is a smart painter.
He paints a perfect 100 dollar note on the floor of the classroom...... his teacher breaks her nails trying to pick it up, and calls his father.
At the PTM, she complains about the kid and explains what happened,
the father replies: "You got too lucky...! at home, he drew a VAGINA on the POWER SOCKET."
This is killer -
Interviewer - aapko kitne saalo ka experience hai?
Sardar - Sir, maine kabhi saalo ko try nahi kiya, lekin mujhe 2 saaliyo ka experience hai... ๐๐ ๐
Men need 100% talent to succeed in life.....
Women need only 4%..... Because the remaining 36+24+36 helps them...
-Indrani Mukharji !
A girl's FB status update.
''Met my ex boyfriend today. Things went well, then suddenly he saw my ordinary phone and said that he would gift me an iphone 6 if I had sex with him!! Men are such dogs...
- updated via iPhone 6"
Foreign Media is finding it difficult to pronounce the name of Hardik Patel. Similarly, female news readers are avoiding to take his name. They are just announcing that a 22 year old boy.........
Hard Dick has became a problem for them and for Gujarat Govt as well.
CAT final question for this year - Indrani was married thrice. Sheena is Indrani's daughter but Peter is not her father. Mikhail is Sheena's brother but Sanjeev Khanna is not his father. Sheena is also Indrani's sister but Rahul is not Indrani's first husbands son. Rahul is not Mikhail's brother but is dating Sheena. Vidhi is Sanjeev Khanna's daughter but Rahul is not her brother. Arnab Goswami is not related to anyone. Sheena was conceived when Indrani was fifteen. So how old is Mr Das and where the hell is he now ????
New exam pattern
1. OBC who is actor in movie bahubali?
2. SC did you seen bahubali?
3. ST which part of bahubali released recently. Part 1 or part 2
"Don't ever fart here; the smell will stay for ages. We don't have Windows"๐๐๐
And tit for tat from Microsoft in their premises..
"Anyone visiting us here can be free to use Windows in case you need to release stale gas from yesterday's half eaten apple. We have been providing open window systems to the world since ages" ๐๐๐
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Rubia went straight to her grandparent' s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.
Horrified, Rubia told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny.! 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm.. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
'He'd still be alive if the fire engine had not passed by .....
Karan Johar's car ๐ breaks down on his way to his studio.
He manages to hitch a ride from a truck ๐ driver.
Karan notices that there was a monkey seated near the drivers feet. After a while, the driver slaps the monkey & the monkey gives the driver a blow job.
A short while goes by & the driver slaps the monkey again & gets another blow job. The driver notices Karan watching him with concern, so he asks: Do you want to try?
Karan replies: "Yes, but slap slowly" ๐ท
A Worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure, In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant, In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant, In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant, In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant, In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant, In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant, And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant! ๐๐ Very meaningful ..read it again
Guys, please be careful about what u buy online retailers these day. Even if u buy stuff online please check out the seller very carefully. one of our friend Abhishek just lost Rs.4500/- plus tax on a penis enlarger. The bastard sent him a magnifying glass!!! ๐๐ The only instructions that came along with it were "DO NOT USE IN SUNLIGHT" !!!
Banta: Yaar! Itna lamba password? Sardar: Kya karoon. Bank wale kehte hai ki password main 5 character aur 1 capital hona chahie.... Banta: wo sab thik hai, par Kejri uncle kyun ?? Sardar: Ek special character bhi zaroori hai....๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
Nice speech by Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe: "Racism will never end as long as white cars are stil using black tyres. Racism will never end if people still use black to symbolise bad luck and white for peace. Racism will never end if people still wear white clothes to weddings and black clothes to funerals. Racism will never end as long as those who don't pay their bills are blacklisted not whitelisted. Even when playing snooker. You haven't won until you've sunk the black ball, and the white ball must remain on the table. But I don't care, as long as I'm still using white toilet paper to wipe my black ass, I'm fine!"... This is a masterpiece..
Girl Friend: I demand gud manners in bed, just like at the dinner table ...
Sardar climbs into bed slowly & says: Honey, would you pass the boobs please??
Tip for life:
Ignore your problems like you ignore the male actors in porn movie.... ๐๐๐๐๐
Maggi and Porn banned.
Basically government is against anything which gives you pleasure in 2 minutes. ๐
Porn sites banned in india...
BJP govt is so much against Congress. Banning everything related to Hand✋✊
Forget about Make in India. Now we can't even Shake in India... ๐๐
With govt banning of porn sites now even Achhe Raatein is snatched from public...
๐๐
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
Can't hold my laugh after reading this... A Guy๐ in a hurry used the ladies toilet๐บ in a posh hotel..
He sat dow n๐ฝ and noticed four buttons - ๐บWW, ๐บWA, ๐บPP & ๐บAPR...
Curious, he pressed ๐บWW & his butt was gently sprayed๐ฟ with WARM WATER, he loved it so much..!!
He then pressed ๐บWA & a blast of WARM AIR๐จ dried him up. Still loving it๐...,
He pressed PP & a POWDER PUFF๐ญ to make him smell fresh. Feeling pampered๐.., He decided to press the last button APR.
He later woke up in a hospital๐ฅ
A ๐ฉNurse smiled & said to him "Sir, APR means AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER. Your balls are in the jar over there.."๐ฑ
Don't laugh alone share it with friends!! ๐๐๐๐
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
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